Domestic Violence

Definition of Domestic Violence:

• An act or threat of violence that restricts the activity and independence of another individual.  It can include physical, sexual and psychological attacks, and economic control.  Any of these acts may include a violation of a protection order previously issued.  (97% of victims are female, but males can also be victims).

• Isolation - controlling your activities, not allowing you to see family or friends, not allowing you to go anywhere alone or becoming very angry when you do.             

• Threats - to leave you, harm you, commit suicide, take the children, kill you, or intimidate through looks and gestures , destroy your personal property or pets.

• Verbal/Emotional Abuse - put-downs, name callings, minimizing your feelings, blaming others you, humiliating you, jealousy, accusations of infidelity.

• Physical and Sexual Abuse - hits, shoves, pushes you or your children when they try to help you, forces sex, jokes about his affairs, withholds affection. 

• Predominant aggressor means the main abusive partner of the relationship.  To identify predominant aggressor you must take into account past history of abuse, the likelihood of inflicting future injuries, and possibility that one person was not acting in self-defense.   

• For more information about Domestic Violence, please read The Cycle of Domestic Violence.

Domestic Violence Myths:

• Only a small percentage of the population is affected by domestic violence.  FACT: Violence occurs at least once in 2/3 of all marriages and in over 90% of those cases, women are the victims.  3-4 million women a year are battered by their husbands and boyfriends.  A woman is battered every 9-12 seconds.

• Battered women are usually poor, uneducated and have few job skills.  FACT: Domestic violence does not discriminate among race, class, age or educational levels.

• Drinking causes violent behavior.  FACT:: Many batterers also abuse alcohol and a violent situation may escalate with drinking, but the alcohol DOES NOT CAUSE the violence. Drunkenness is no excuse for violence.

• A battered partner can always leave the home: “if its so bad, why doesn’t she just leave?”  FACT: Economic and emotional dependency, children and threats all make it difficult to leave a violent relationship. Instead of asking why she doesn’t leave, why not ask why he doesn’t stop the battering.  Approximately 50% of homeless women and children are fleeing an abusive relationship.

• People who abuse their partners rarely abuse their children and children who merely witness the abuse are not adversely affected.  FACT: More than 3 million children witness acts of domestic violence every year.  Children who witness battering are 6 times more likely to attempt suicide and 50% more likely to abuse drugs and alcohol. In 60% of violent homes, the children are beaten as well.  81% of abusers were abused as children or witnessed abuse at home.

• Most women who are able to leave a violent relationship will not return to it.  FACT: Victims leave an abusive relationship an average of 7 times before they leave for good, but 60-70% of battered women do get out eventually.  

• The victim is responsible for the abuse because she “provokes” the batterer.  FACT: A batterer is responsible for his own action.  He has many options for  dealing with his anger.  

• Battering incidents do not increase in severity over time.  FACT:: Battering tends to worsen from beating to beating. Many of the injuries sustained by the battered woman require medical attention.  Domestic violence causes almost 100,000 days of hospitalization, 30,000 days of emergency room visits and 40,000 trips to the doctor every year.  

• Men are more likely to help a woman being attacked by a man than to help a man being attacked by another man.  FACT: Men are more likely to intervene in a fight between two men than in a fight between a woman and a man.  Most people believe that domestic violence is a “private affair” and none of anyone else’s business. 

• A woman cannot be raped by her husband.   FACT: Marital rape is the most under reported crime. Twice as many women have been raped by their husbands than by strangers.  It is estimated that 20-30% of all women who are battered are also routinely raped as a part of the general pattern of abuse.  In many states, it is legal for a man to rape his wife.  

• It is uncommon for a husband to batter his wife during her pregnancy.   FACT: 25% battered women are physically abused during pregnancy.

Warning Signs of Domestic Violence: 

People often wonder if there are signs that might warn about potential violence in a relationship.  The following is adapted from the National Technical Assistance Center of Family Violence.

• Did your partner grow up in a violent family?  Some people who grew up with violence may use it when faced with problems.

• Does your partner tend to use force to “solve” problems?  Does he have a quick temper?  Does your partner punch walls or things when upset

• Is your partner cruel to animals?

• Does your partner have a poor self-image that he tries to cover up by being tough?

• Does your partner have strong old-fashioned beliefs about the roles of men and women?

• Is your partner jealous of you, your other friends and family?  Does your partner keeps tabs on you?  Does he frequently accuse you of cheating? 

• When your partner is angry, do you feel afraid of him?  Do you find that trying not to make him angry is a major part of your life?

• Does your partner treat you roughly or physically force you to do what you don’t want to do; such as keeping you from walking away from an argument?

• Does your partner play with guns or other weapons?  Does he talk about using them against people to “get even?”

• Does your partner experience extreme highs and lows?  Is your partner really kind at one time and really cruel at others?  Often, he can have an unpredictable and confusing personality.

• Does your partner blame others for his actions?  Often he does not believe that his violent actions should have negative consequences.  He has no awareness of, or guilt for, violating his wife’s/girlfriend’s boundaries.

• ABUSE DURING DATING IS A GUARANTEE OF ABUSE LATER, DO NOT THINK THAT MARRIAGE OR LIVING TOGETHER WILL CHANGE YOUR PARTNER.  IF YOUR PARTNER DOES ABUSE YOU, YOU ARE ALREADY A BATTERED WOMAN!!

Effects of Domestic Violence on children: 

• Children learn behavior from  their parents.  When there is violence  in the home, children are at a high risk of repeating those patterns—they grow up to be violent and to accept violence  as normal in their relationships.

• Children who witness domestic violence are 4 times more likely to be arrested in the future and 8 times more likely to commit suicide.

• Children may experience any of the following:

  • Fear, anger

  • Slowed developmental capacities

  • poor school performance, low self esteem

  • difficulty relating to peers

  • running away from home

  • aggressive language and behavior

  • substance abuse

  • parentification, heightened sense of responsibility

• Domestic Violence is a  form of child abuse.  By abusing you, your partner is not being “good to the kids.”  Showing attention or affection to the children cannot make up for denying them their right to a safe and happy childhood.

• Although children may experience and respond to domestic violence in a variety of ways, there are particular characteristics and behaviors that children from violent homes may exhibit.

  • Common indicators that violence is impacting children.

  • Somatic Complaints - headache, stomach problems, asthma, ulcers, diarrhea

  • Sleeping Difficulties - insomnia, sleepwalking, bed wetting, nightmares, negative behavior around bedtime.

  • School Problems - erratic attendance, poor performance, school phobia, distractibility, problem behaviors

  • Developmental Delays - speech, motor skills, cognitive maturation, social interaction skills

  • Pseudo Maturation - child takes on or is given responsibilities beyond appropriate age/developmental state

• Behaviors Common to Children From Violent Homes

  • Role Reversal - Sometimes the children are forced to be responsible for their own care and for the care of their younger siblings because the parents are too preoccupied with their own problems and are unable to perform normal parenting functions.  Children’s moral development tends to make them “own” their parents’ violence and pain.  Children from physically and emotionally abusive homes basically have their childhood “robbed” from them and they do not get normal experiences for childhood development.

  • Aggressive Behaviors -  Some children act out aggressively at home and at school.  They are acting out the behavior they have learned from their parents.  Their anger is directed towards siblings, other children, animals, and adults.  In the extreme, these children may be at risk for patricide or matricide—killing the abusing parent.  They may be abusive in all of their personal relationships.  These children also show their anger by destroying property or vandalizing.

  • Running away - Children run away when they feel that there is no hope for them at home.  Children who are physically or sexually abused, which can happen in the violent home, are at risk for running away.

  • Withdrawn Behavior - Children form violent homes may be afraid to interact with other people outside the home, or they may not know how to interact in a normal way.  They may have been told by their parents not to tell anybody about the problems in the home, or they may be afraid that through their interactions, other people will “know.”  This  “conspiracy of silence” helps to keep the family violence going.

  • Self Abusive Behavior - Children from abusive homes can become self destructive.  They are at risk for suicide, drug or alcohol abuse, teen pregnancy, eating disorders, fast and careless driving, breaking the law, problems with authority, and other risky acting out.  During adolescence, they may enter violent dating relationships with each party acting out the role they learned in the abusive home.

  • Faulty Thinking and Severe Victim Issues - Children from abusive homes seldom have a chance to know what “normal” is.  They have a high tolerance for abusive, destructive, and intolerable behavior.  They are handicapped at being able to trust others, or to form reliable intimate relationships.  Their self-esteem is shattered and they learn to distrust their own feelings.  Left untreated and without intervention from outside the family, these children tend to become adults who will partner and parent in the same destructive ways that they have learned from their parents.

Prevention of Domestic Violence:

The best way to deal with spouse abuse is to prevent it from occurring at all.  Through public awareness and knowledge, we can tell potential victims and abusive spouses/partners that violence is a crime not condoned a private family matter.  Potential victims need to know their rights and how to protect themselves.  Potential abusive spouses/partners need to learn how to deal with their anger and control problems in relationships without resorting to violence.

• Schools have an important role in prevention education.  Children can be taught to control violent behavior through techniques such as time-outs or by communication skills.

•  The media also has a powerful influence.  News stories, public interest announcements, documentaries, and television movies make the public aware of domestic violence and that help is available.  However, the media industry must also strive to avoid shows that may lead to further violence.

• Arrest of the abuser is one of the best deterrents.  It gets the man’s attention and gives the clear message that spouse abuse is not his right and is not accepted  by society.

Why victims stay?

Many people are baffled by the battered woman who leaves and then returns to an abusive relationship.  After all, if this vicious cycle of violence is so detrimental to the women and the children, then why don’t these women just leave?!  It’s not as simple as it may seem for those of us on the outside of this reign of terror.  In reality, the reasons victims stay in violent relationships are numerous and complex.  The battered woman is not stupid, she does not like to be beaten, nor is she uneducated or mentally ill.  Let’s think about all that a woman would need to do to escape a violent relationship:  She would have to find a place to live, she would have to find a job to support herself and her children, she may need to find child care or transfer the children to a different school, she may be required to file legal documents (custody, separation/divorce, restraining orders), she may lose all health and life insurance benefits, etc. etc. 

 The following list contains numerous motives that bind victims to violent relationships.  All of these factors are not found in each case, but a combination of some of them are usually enough to keep the victim with the batterer.

• Economic dependency

• Parenting (kids need a father)

• Religious or extended family pressures

• Fear of being alone

• Loyalty (he’s sick and he needs my help to change)

• Pity for batterer

• Wanting to help the batterer

• Fears he will kill himself

• Denial (abuse is not that bad, “He only slapped me”)

• LOVE (he is loving and lovable when he’s not being abusive)

• Duty (It’s my responsibility to hold the family together)

• Guilt (batterer blames her for problems and she accepts that the problems are her fault)

• Responsibility (to save relationship)

• Shame and humiliation

• Security

• Identity

• Survival/Fear (He’ll find/follow me and kill me.)

• Childhood (woman grew up in home where abuse took place, she accepts this behavior as natural)

• Frequency and severity (plays into the denial if abusive incidents are not frequent or severe)

• Isolation (often batterer isolates victim and she has no one to turn to and may not know that services are available)

• Low self-esteem (continuous verbal and physical assault lead the victim to believe that she is really incompetent and deserves the punishment)

So, the next time you find yourself asking why victims don’t leave, think about the above and instead ask the pertinent question:  Why don’t these men stop abusing?!

If you suspect Domestic Violence:

• Tell her that she has a right not to be abused.

• Tell her you know and are her friend; she is not alone.

• Help her find a safe place with you or somewhere else when she seems ready to leave.

• Do not lose patience.

• Help her find legal, financial, medical, or counseling services to help her.

• Help her see herself as a competent, lovable person.

• Even if she returns to the abusive spouse/partner, this is not a rejection of you.  She needs your friendship and support now more than ever.

If you are a victim of Domestic Violence

• Take Care of Yourself.

• Take the Danger Quiz.